Just before Christmas I had an idea for a book. A book about living authentically, listening to our gut; its working title: Operation Bloom. I felt that fluttering in my belly that told me I was on to something. As it started to take shape, I tentatively ‘put it out there’ that I was ‘working on an exciting project’ (I figured this would light a little extra fire under me). For a few weeks I daydreamed and visualised, meditated and wrestled with it, and thought of little else.
And then I lost my courage.
I’ve never stopped loving the concept but I’d lost faith that I could make it manifest and so I wanted to hide and pretend I’d never said anything to anyone because who the hell was I kidding? And now I’d look like a total douche if they asked how it was going. (Fortunately most of my friends are, like me, mothers of young children so short term memory is not our strong-suit).
Never-the-less for the last few weeks I’ve studiously hidden from it. Our house has never been tidier, my friends have never seen me more helpful, I’ve chucked stuff out, and even hired the services of a heart-stoppingly-uber-chic Instagrammer to help me create a capsule wardrobe (once my house is tidy, and I have only 33 items of clothing I’ll be ready to start Operation Bloom in earnest, right?)
And then today, following a long, lazy pyjama day, hanging out in the ‘big bed’ with my three year old, I told my husband I’d lost my bottle. Maybe I had nothing to say after all, maybe I didn’t have it in me. I don’t know if he was utterly convinced and his response was genuine, or if he was cleverly calling my bluff (in his ‘knowing-me-better-than-I-know-myself’ way, goddamnit) but he said,
“well maybe you have to give up on the idea, then. Maybe all this resistance is saying it isn’t for you. Maybe you should just focus on your regular work.”
Cut to me racing upstairs 2 minutes later, elbowing aside my
technical intimidation lame procrastinatory tactic about not knowing how to set up a blog, and within 20 minutes I’d set up this page. I know, impressive right?
So here I am, plucking up the courage to follow my intuition which is telling me the next baby step is to simply start writing about my own Operation Bloom experiences; review the things I’ve done, and journal about the next things I’ll go on to do to, in a bid to create a meaningful, authentic life for myself and my family.
Nothing more than that. For now.
And maybe, just maybe, I will find I do have it in me…